It’s been almost 11 years since my husband left me, and six years since Brad’s wife left him. Brad and I are so blessed to be a family. Marrying him literally was the wisest decision I have ever made. But in that time, there have been challenges, both from within and outside of our marriage and family. Something we have noticed is that we seem to frequently encounter a few cultural misconceptions and errant philosophies about divorce and blended families, even among the closest of our friends, family and acquaintances. Even we have had to challenge a few of our own ideas and behaviors. Those things can, and often do, distract from supporting and strengthening families. So, this morning, I want to do my part to clear up a few misconceptions about divorce and blended families.
# 1. Because we are all individuals, every divorce is
different. There are no “rules” about
what people feel, think, experience or do.
Every situation, every person, every family, every experience, is
different.
#2. Just because we are divorced does NOT mean that
we hate or even dislike our former spouses.
We love them. And we feel blessed
to have shared part of our lives with them.
We learned and grew from each other. We built families together. We laughed together. And yes, we cried together. We don’t want them banished from our
families. We don’t want to oust them
from family events or friendship circles.
We don’t want you to choose sides.
No need to avoid mentioning them or skirting the topic (Even when
talking with our new spouses! We know way more than you do). We know they are our children’s parents, and
we’re GLAD! Our children wouldn’t be who
they are without them! We made good decisions when we married them. They are good people, then and now. We want
only good things for them. We want them
to be happy, whole, healed and at peace.
#3. The fact that we are remarried and deliriously happy
does not mean that we are happy about our divorce. It does not mean that we wanted a
divorce. It does not mean that we caused
or encouraged the divorce. It does not
mean that we did not fight for our former marriages with all we had. It simply
means that although we mourn that loss and that hurt (often the most difficult
thing we have ever experienced), we are healing from the pain and have chosen
to be happy. It means we have been
blessed and we know it. It means that we
choose to move forward and not dwell in the past. It means we value our relationships and our
responsibilities and work hard to give them the time and attention they
deserve. 
#4. We honestly have the capacity and choose to
love our bonus children and families as we do our own. WE LOVE THEM!
We respect them. We are SO PROUD
of all of them. We don’t resent any of
them. We don’t want less for them than
we do ourselves or our biological children.
ALL of the same rules and expectations apply to children born to us and
those we inherited along the way. We
work every single day to make sure that all of our children are loved and cared
for in the best way we know how. Sometimes
we make mistakes. Sometimes we don’t
understand. But that does not change the
intent of our hearts or the sincerity of our effort or feelings. But we live
for and would willingly die for all of our children if it were necessary. So,
don’t misunderstand when we express concerns or struggles about one thing or
another. Challenge and growth occurs with
all of our relationships, no matter when they began.
#5. We ARE a family.
We ARE parents, TOGETHER. Even if we didn’t conceive physiologically, we
created and nurture an eternal family together.
We are ONE flesh and we make all of our decisions that way. We are a
mother and a father, brothers, sisters, grandsons and granddaughters, WITHOUT
qualifiers. We are not a step removed, a
step up or down, or a step closer or further away. But we do happily STEP UP to enjoy the FULL blessings and responsibilities of our family relationships and
stewardship. No partial benefits. No partial statuses. No one gets left out or
left behind. No one gets picked last or
first. No one is more or less important.
There are no secrets in our marriage.
There are no separate finances or holdings, no topics or knowledge that
is off limits in our marriage. No one enjoys more or
less responsibilities or decision making power.
We make every decision TOGETHER with our family’s best interests at
heart. Our family goal, our constant prayer, is that there are NO EMPTY CHAIRS
in our heavenly home! We are grateful when others regard and treat us that way!
#6. When we married, our family and home became our priority and primary responsibility. We must do all that we can to protect and defend it. That means that we must leave behind our former relationships, and our marriage and family must come first. That means that although we sometimes share parenting with our former spouses, we don’t share all of the same priorities or philosophies. Therefore, when making decisions, while the health and welfare of minor children is paramount, there will be things that cannot be compromised. We will not always agree with our former spouse. But we believe that those conflicts can be handled peacefully and respectfully. It also means that those outside of our home (most often) do not have the stewardship (right) to decide that what we are doing is right or wrong. It is not the right of others to interfere in our parenting/family decisions. When we need advice or direction, we will go to the Lord, our clergy, a counselor or those who have best interests at heart.
#7. Finally, things aren't always what they seem. We know that family and
friends are grieving our divorce, too. We
know what it is to want to pinpoint who/what the problem is/was and solve it. We know many were very close to us and our
spouses and feel they have special insight or knowledge. But, you don’t know the whole story. And even if an associated party (us
included!) told you the story, it was their side of the story and may not be
the whole story. So, please, BE KIND. Be respectful. Building families is already hard work. Blending families is even harder with all the
pain, difficulty and different factions at work. 
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